saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
we were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door
and rather than go out and meet her, i climbed out the window. so now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice
BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
I have blocked the memory from my mind. He is just a fuzzy cloud floating with my other bad decisions..
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
I don't know. I was also picked up by the doormen and held over the bar so I could do an upside down shot out of a bartenders tits.
he kept saying that we were in ian's fun time place and then continued to act like a dinosaur.
I tried to have sex on someone's sisters horse last night
I don't care what you say about him, his cock is the stuff dreams are made of.
On a scale from 1 to 10 how gross is it to get a chili dog from a vending machine?
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
Randomize