I can't believe he cheated
Whatever. Anytime she has an orgasm, it's because I taught him how
Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
just woke up in the beanbag bin at walmart
We're playing Big Buck Hunter to determine who buys the next pitchers. And they said video games wouldn't help me later in life
I just saw two girls throwing up in the bathroom. they were high-fiving under the stall...
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
She ripped her shorts off and yelled "VAGINA TIME!"
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
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