Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
I mean, on what planet are nipples suppose to look like that?
When i said i was brazilian i swear to god he started to tear up
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
I'm constantly crying, and now I start crying every time I masturbate which is a fun development.
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
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