well if you came here i would keep you awake :*
did you just kiss me??? ... dude, im not gay
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
she's crying and begging for her chapstick and insisting on walking home...her every thursday ritual
I give him a gold star every time I orgasm. His room looks like he's freaking King Midas.
Try not to get arrested for it, but otherwise i support you
He's CUTE. and foreign
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
Well if she's the kinda girl that doesn't want you after seeing a pic of your balls squeezed together, she's not the girl for you.
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
He puked in the middle of it and I still wasn't disappointed.
I think I just got booty called by someone I've never slept with or even really had a conversation with before.
You shouted “im bobby labonte!” In the process of shoutgunning a beer. He said you were too redneck for him...
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