I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
We're looking for the removeable roof from her Miata. Winner gets a 40.
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
Im fairly sure two chicks roofied me last night. Suckers. I love free drugs.
I get so many dick pics from him...He has an unhealthy obsession with his own penis...
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
Smoking a bowl and ordering Dominos, you want in on either, both, or none?
A respectable fucking: good but like I don't want to get kicked out of my hotel room
i dunno dude, he took his shirt off and is rubbing jello shots on himself. i think he's done
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
Randomize
