Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
We dared each other to drink Arbor Mist, and I waterboarded someone with tequila.
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
What is your life?
A tangled mess of finals and bad decisions.
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
MEG JUST LICKED A DRAIN PIPE. DAVE PUNCHED MATT IN THE THROAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN. I REPEAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN.
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
he told me his feelings for me AFTER sex, so that means he meant it right?
Wish me luck on my new penis adventure
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
I'm just trying to figure out the reason why humans wear socks....
Randomize
