Well maybe next time you won't tell me to do whatever I want.
The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
i keep walking around campus wondering if anyone is as stoned as i am
i'm in workout clothes. this is progress.
They thought I was the paid stripper pretty much, and a lady tried to set me up with her nephew and then wanted to get my number for lesbian daughter... A typical night for me
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
Do you ever actually plan things? Or is it always drugs then whatever happens? I'm considering being worried about you
First sunburned tits of the season. And it's only April... I feel like it's going to be a good summer.
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
i knew it was a party when i saw you sitting on the couch naked with the keg in your lap, still drinking and passing out cups
I have easymac and six pack of beer. This night can't get any better.
Randomize
