John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
Girl in my class with fire painted on her face. I. need. that. weed.
It's either jizz or frosting, and either way, someone's being held accountable.
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
I vomited in the sink and my bra was in there...I don't even have words to describe this hangover confusion
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk
I just literally had a dance party in my closet. I've never been this blazed.
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.
Randomize
