you got kicked out last night because right after you said "whats up?" to us, you downed your whole vodka ton and threw it across the bar.
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
its family weekend so i'm givin my little bro a tour of everywhere ive thrown up on campus
just found out this city drinks more beer during oktoberfest than rhode island does in a year.. i'm never leaving
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
She walked out and announced that he was now part of our confused, incestuous, glorious eskimo family. I've never been more proud.
Campus is too small for this to keep happening
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
She said her name is "Goose" and regardless of her being a lesbian, sometimes she just "needs a good dick"
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
Randomize
