meet me or not, i'm out of control
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
There seems no grander way to celebrate 420 than to smoke atop a mountain peak.
It's 6 am, I'm drunk, and celebrating the end of finals.Go ahead and ask me where I am...if you guessed a McDonald's playpen then you are correct. Badabababa I'm loving it
Do you find Darth Vader masks attractive?
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
How many times do I have to tell you I'm not bisexual.
.....unless there is alcohol involved
Two questions: Did you enjoy your birthday present and how did i wake up with glitter all over my dick?
Randomize
