Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
I just saw my grandmother naked. again. this needs to stop now.
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
ya i vaguely remember microwaving a whole package of bacon for 20 minutes or so and then eating it all around 4am
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
While at warped tour today a girl was crowd surfing and her vagina landed in my face, I call that a successfull day.
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
im just going to wait until i dont feel like the grim reaper is having sex with me
We used a lit joint as a candle for her birthday cake
The weed is temporarily burning the grammar section of my brain library.
ok I know you arent happy with the way we ended but paying someone to pass me an STD is TOTALLY FUCKED!!!
We helped him hit the bowl to the point that he didn't even have to move
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
He suffocated between her tits, but she didn't notice because he still came.
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
Randomize
