Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
Just saved her as "new hostess that randy banged" ...I forgot her name
Its kinda awkward hearing him say the food taste like ass considering what he did last night.
I googled what to do, and it said to squeeze the pressure out so people are taking turns sitting on my head. I can't believe I'm allowing this
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
I just got head while watching air force one. Harrison ford would be proud.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
we are not getting arrested this weekend. I don't care who I have to blow its just not happening.
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Randomize
