Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
The tricky part is not getting sand in any orifices. Or is the plural orifi? Orifi don't, we'll both be unhappy...
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
I hate that the only Italian aspect of me is I get red and sweaty when I drink
I just took my friends on a tour of all the places I've had sex in my house. I dont know if that's more slutty, or the fact that it took 2 hours to complete..
He told me to fuck off at some point in the night. I think it was right before he jumped out of a moving car trying to get to another bar and made Abby cry.
in the middle of getting head my cat meowed. she looked up , meowed back, and then continued giving me head.
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
Only ESPN could find the two ugly girls from a school in Florida
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
Can you tell dad to stop liking and sharing porn on FB again?
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
Randomize
