I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
in spanish class. the girl next to me asked what Galapagos were. i told her they were islands. now she thinks Galapagos means islands in spanish
tonight i'm going for the "i fuck with the lights on" look
You could probably play six degrees of separation of my cock in this city.
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
I was expecting it to be of the "I am your vagina's reckoning" caliber.
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
We stopped mid-sex and both shotgunned a beer then got back to it. Is this what love feels like?
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
Randomize
