What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
Now would be a great time to stop wondering " Who let the dogs out" and go to sleep
Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
All I can tell you is you will need a rain slicker for tonight's festivities. Any clothes underneath would be highly frowned upon as well.
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
Right, because I totally see myself driving all the way down there to fuck his world famous penis.
There's a really old guy here with a really young girl. I'm guessing he has to make choo choo train noises to get his dick in her mouth.
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
I don't know..He walked out of your room with a kraft single..and blood on his shirt...He really wanted cheese.
The high school classes are online, not my sex life. He still comes over for “teacher / parent conferences.” A couple more “conferences” and I’ll be able to rewrite the Sex Ed curriculum
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