last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
You paid at the door and they gave you a straw for the kiddie pool full of booze.
After a bit there were two girls who got naked and liquor wrestled. I don't think it was planned.
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
im pretty sure the interns at this hospital have gotten hotter
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
So my new thing apparently is getting wasted, showing people my slytherin socks and convincing them I'm slytherin..because why not
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
Randomize