I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
when she asked me if it was possible to swim under north america i knew it was time to leave.
This morning two of his housemate threw confetti over me, started singing and handed me a make shift trophy out of cereal boxes and beer cans that said 'Harry's Virginity' on it. Fucking brilliant!
I couldn't find the bathroom last night...so I wrapped myself in the curtains and stuck my butt out the window and peed from two stories up. Thank god I don't remember.
Just realized Ive had sex in or around each thing listed in Green Eggs and Ham besides the fox.
Well I checked the bush outside his apartment building this morning, and he wasn't there... So I knew he was home.
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
Settled one third of the tab. Am going back for sex. Love you, make friends
She's passed out with a slice of pizza between her boobs should I just eat it and leave
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
He loves blowjobs.. were meant for each other.
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