I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
when we asked you if you had had anything to drink tonight you looked up from the toilet while cupping the water into your hands and said "this.. just this"
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
Tomorrow's thirsty thursday is now sponsored by the three time champion, chemisty failure. celebration starts asap.
Thanks for bailing me out last night guys. it's bullshit that everbeering people at bars is illegal. bitches have no sense of adventure anymore
I'm imaging you naked, covered in butter. And I gotta say, I'm not impressed.
i swear to god if you did anything to my honey bunches ill remove all the oats and shove them up your dickhole then play pinata with my foot to knock them all back out
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
2013: the year of legs covered in hair and pregnancy scares.
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
You called it motorboating but you just snot rocketed into my tits.
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
Randomize
