I'm so turned on right now it's fucking stupid. I hate burger king commercials
i'm so bored i'm watching porn for fun. not even jacking off or anything. just watching.
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
They usually take it with their boobs. It's like a horizontal motorboat
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
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