Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
Have you ever made a sandwich from swedish fish and tortilla chips?
found scuba porn. totally not sexy. life continues to disappoint.
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
He let me finish eating my sandwich while I sat his face. I think I'm in love with this little eager beaver.
It'd probably just be a lot of profanity and hyperventilation and deteriorating into tears anyways
so just a regular conversation then
he just cleaned his wound with pinnacle whipped
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
Why would you keep yourself in a sharting situation
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
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