Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
Antibacterial soap and prayers does not for spermicide make
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
You lost me at unexpected butt stuff. Everything else I would probably do.
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
According to my bank account I spent a penny some where
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
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