Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
She has an incinerator in her basement. Have you ever incinerated used condoms?
Lmao what?
It's a yes or no question.
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
I only have two new blunt burns this year as opposed to freshman year's 6. This is growing up.
The drunken tricycle race really added some class to the Tour de Franzia. Until everyone wiped out and started puking.
Part of my whole not being a slut anymore involves not giving other peoples boyfriends blowjobs
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
I think rendering her infertile would be a valid community service project
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
THEY HAVE BEEN GOING AT IT FOR 2 HOURS AND I HEAR THEM BANGING THIS IS BULLSHIT
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
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