Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
New pre-game routine....wal-mart bathrooms...quality beers for free...hallelujah
screw that ipod for my birthday.. i just want a weed brownie the size of my face. that's all.
Studying for the exam.. Identifying the portraits using phrases like "large penis"
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
Stumbled into class and into a desk. When I fell my bottle broke in my backpack. I had to leave there was vodka everywhere.
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
I have nothing to say other than the obvious 'we probably shouldn't have done that' and the less obvious 'i think you bruised my labia major' ...?
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
Randomize
