Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
can we get together and have a vodka water gun fight? i need to get som intense excersise/alcohol
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
The party went downhill once the fire department had to be called to put out the kitchen fire.
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
Back at condo with chick. What is the condom situation urgent response needed
I barfed on the cat last night. Just wanted to share.
Walking actually physically hurts. We should do it again some time.
Idk what's worse.... Yesterday not waking up in my bed or today waking up in the hello kitty gown.
Randomize
