I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
I took chris brown's side in the conversation ... cut to me not getting laid tonight
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
well I didn't shave for the hot dilf I banged last week so I'm sure as hell not shaving for you. Sry
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
Randomize
