i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids
I'm pretty sure whiskey overrules bulimia in the eyes of Texas boys
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
I pulled some girls weeve trying to pull the stop cord on the bus
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
Is it bad that I tried to build an outfit based around "What do people who use condoms look like when they buy condoms?"
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
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