My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
I went to his work to give him some blankets and ended up blowing him in the bathroom. See what happens when you don't come over?
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
I don't think he understands what an important role his penis plays in my level of self esteem
He picked me up in the very car he devirginized me in, his moms toyota.
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
Ohh I see how it works, eat pussy and I get Reese's pieces.
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
This band has the most fuckable violin player I have ever seen.
YAS. BRING CRAB.
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
No idea who's grandma but people were just running around naked
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
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