Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
laying in bed listening to christian music, jealous of the hope they have for their life. also need to beat off, can i think about you?
To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
All I remember is dance battling with a man named tom the entire time who kept buying me drinks so id say it was a success
U know this is gone far when im in the bathroom trying to take a pic of my asshole
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
It's brunch. If you find dick at brunch. You an A+ hoe.
At about 2:30 i found you passed out in my closet with your face covered in cheese whiz
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
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