My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
I just don't understand how my upright asian catholic roommate is getting more than me.
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
Whose panties are you wearing on your head and why are you sending me pics of it?
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
I'm assuming you were here at some stage because I woke up alone, clean and in a towel with mum asking my why my shoes, dress and jewellery were in the bottom of the shower.
Randomize
