So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
You do realize that we bought beer at 9:30 in the morning to avoid sobering up. Stupidity was bound to follow.
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
I'm pleased to know that your mom refers to me as "the ass piliager" now
Well that's my green light to bang ur brother. Its not real til its on fb
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
You're not horrible. Thank you for my pandas.
Just wiped the ashes off my forehead before he came over to have sex. Definitely going to hell.
last night i fell off a barstool and busted my nose. i can regretfully say that i didn't see cherub last night.
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
Randomize