Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
Not good, Ive never been this late. We need to talk.
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where does the pee come out of this thing
just because she blew him doesn't mean she knows his name.
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
On a lighter note, my mom and I were playing scattergories, and for "things that you keep hidden" we both put dildo. Proof that we really are related.
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
That freshman guy that keeps trying to hook up with me just saved someone's life ... Should I reconsider?
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
It's a lube slip n slide down the hallway now. Details later.
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
However, pretty glad I spent the night puking on my car instead of fucking him. Then I'd REALLY be miserable.
Randomize
