well if you came here i would keep you awake :*
did you just kiss me??? ... dude, im not gay
8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
You just left with that feminine looking guy you kept calling "Jessica." Just giving the heads up.
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
I've lost every trace of self esteem. Even sneaking a BJ in the coffee room has lost it's luster.
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
