So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
When were having sex he was mumbling some guys name. If he wasn't as hot as he is I'd be concerned.
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
I remember desperately screaming that I love my life and running in zig zags all the way home
Last night we looked at each other with an expression of "fuck I am so done being normal", took off our shirts, and danced around in our bras
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
how does that bad decision feel?
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize