My nipple is on Facebook.
His facebook interests include 'unstrapping velcro'.
well considering we left the bathroom with the mirror off the wall, a bloody nose, and clothes all messed up they assume im just a coke whore now..
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
There is nacho cheese and blood everywhere.
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD
My thighs feel like glass
She made sure everyone knew we were doing shots for her dead grandma.
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
Fuck these bullshit days. My underwear are still inside out.
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
Randomize
