just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
My little brother got home at 4am too, we drunk ate together. It was a kodak moment.
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
Fuck. The basement bathroom I've been getting head in for 6 months just went 'Out of Service'.
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
Medically YOU CAN'T BE AN ALCOHOLIC TILL 25!!!!! WE GET 3 BONUS YEARS!!!!
Not too bad but came home early cuz business was shut down due to an employee sexually harrassing the inspector
I called you daddy and let you stick things in my butt, I am a damn 11.
Last night I had a sex dream about Trudeau, he hasn't even been prime minister for 24 hours
Your face; I've seen enough of it for today. Go away now please.
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
Randomize
