u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
i just got yelled at for having sex. this sorority thing is worst than being at home. at least at home they think im still a virgin
i figure now that we're number one party school im obligated to black out at least 4 days a week. andddd go.
Well he can play the xylophone with his erect cock... So he's got that going for him
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
Correction: *I* watched JoJo's Bizarre adventure while he snored asleep on me cock still fully inside me.
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
Do you think the hole in the ceiling will count against our security deposit?
So random question: what's a good way to tell your brother that his Skype sex kept you awake last night? I'm not really sure how that conversation begins.
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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