I thought all girls wanted is to get a boner
you want to re-phrase that?
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
i think you ate grass..but you refused to open your mouth so we could see..
Drinking wine in my childhood bed getting ready to go to sleep in order to wake up for my menial temp job. Thanks, college degree, I can handle the real world.
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
I was hooking up with him and then someone banged on the door and shouted "When you get the chance, will you put the weed on the veranda?"
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
I'm like going proud parent over you doing drugs, this is so wrong.
I actually haven't slept with anyone in a while. I think my whore phase is just seasonal.
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
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