my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
Henry's handball, Tiger Wood's Car Crash, Roger Federer losing ... That's it....I'm throwing my Gillete away
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
Jameson and I invented street rugby last night. Yeah
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
Just at the gym drinking. We call it treadmillcolada
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
I can't be sure but I think I slept with a clown last night...
He was laying on a lawn chair, fell off onto his stomach and asked, "where'd the stars go?" That high.
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