wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
that speech was about as successful as her performance in twilight
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
I'm going to come in a little later this morning....there's no heterosexual way to say this....$1 flip flop sale at old navy
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
Our penis' have led to more networking than mark zuckerberg.
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
People try and tell me I never learn me lesson, well that's a bunch of crap. I asked for Monday off for Superbowl recovery based on my experience last year.
He propositioned me for a threesome once so yeah I'd say he has what it takes to run for public office
I'm going to confession for the first time in 6 years. Where do I start, the gay sex or rampant alcoholism?
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
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