my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
And then i made him answer questions about me before i took off my clothes
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
The only thing that makes me want to stop the affair is that I am the Monica Lewinksy in this triangle.
I have a way to get him back. you're going to have to take one for the team and make a visit to the health department. you in?
I drink way too much to have a type. Last weekend I picked up a guy who calls me "baby girl"
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
Made a holiday JibJab of all my fucks. How's your night?
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
I have alcoholic tendencies but you know what? College
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
Video footage says last night I reincarnated as stripper Shania Twain... Man, I feel like a (slutty) woman.
I'm sitting here with a band aid on my labia, this is a first
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