There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
he started yelling "this is my pussy" mid thrust
I JUST WOKE UP ON A TRAIN
I SHUDNT B ON A TRAIN
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
I am currently watching him baptize himself in a baby pool with a handle of belvedere while wearing a coral dress.
I want to have sex with him.
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
I just shotgunned a beer and my lipstic didnt BUDGE. MERICUHH
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
I'm glad you enjoyed the night but why were you calling me "daddy"?
You came into the club around midnight with a carton of tropicana o.j. & said you were starting a revolution.
You think you can just send me a picture of your dick and everything will be ok?
Yep.
Randomize
