Yeah. I woke up naked in his bed this morning and remember saying "Get a condom cuz I can't afford an abortion right now" last night. He didn't run. He's a keeper
I just saw a guy in the gym riding the bicycle while watching baseball and dipping.
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
She said just put your tongue in there and don't linger. I have other things to do.
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
CSI Miami is on and the guy is trying to save this woman who got shot. By stripping off his shirt & belt. THE WOMAN NEEDS YOUR PANTS OFF TOO
Come on, will you just fuck him so we can watch Star Wars.
He caught a Pokemon on my head while I sucked him off. I think I need to marry him.
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
Hopefully he gets to dig deep into my body, before he digs deep into my past ..
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
Randomize
