There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
what if every blade of grass was a penis?
while fucking on the counter the whip cream was conveniently right next to us. i love thanksgiving
I hope so. I just start to question my lifestyle when i pee on coffee tables
Sadness tears and throw up everywhere
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
I kinda feel like I was hit by a Prius. Just glad it's not bus status.
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
Going to the pool bar doesn’t exactly count as “exploring”
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
Randomize
