I need a slap back to reality. Or at least a slap back to homosexuality
Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
why does hillary duff have a greatest hits album?
I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
I just made a 90's Nickelodeon TV theme song power hour mix...I don't want to build it up but your head might explode
Just used a champagne bottle to outline a trigonometric circle for math 104.. should i give up on life now or later?
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
She made sure everyone knew we were doing shots for her dead grandma.
so as he was cumming he sort of growled with one eye squinted... for a moment there I thought I was fucking Popeye
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
yea so the plan to relive our college glory days was great and all but ending up in the er with alcohol poisoning was crossing the line
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
Randomize
