Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
you kept falling over in mid-conversation and you just got right back up as if nothing happened...
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
i don't know how the hand towel got involved, but i peed all over it
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
I come back into the room and you're grinding with the person in the mascot suit.
He wants to know how I lost my bra in his pants....id like to know too
You can come over, sure. But I'll be watching college hockey during the blow job.
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
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