my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
I kind of had a moment like that kid whose mom cancelled his WoW subscription, except I didn't try to shove a remote control up my own ass.
I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
No i dont need Magnum Condoms, that would be like putting MC Hammer pants on my dick
Can we make a sex game out of monopoly somehow?
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
I was very impressed with his ability to carry on a conversation with his friends sitting in the front seat with his hand in my pants, getting a hand job, stoned, with a cigarette in his mouth. I think he's a keeper.
If they start to date again I refuse to help her sext him. Helping my mom sext my dad is where I draw the line.
I don't want to sleep with any other woman but you but I want to try this whole mother daughter thing that would be nuts
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
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