All I seem to do lately is get myself off, take naked pictures and drink beer. I don't know if thats a good or bad thing.
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
I'm gonna make a therapist very happy and very wealthy this semester.
The worst thing about it is now I have to find someone else to fuck in the library.
Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
Fell asleep with Kristen and woke up with Sarah. It's official, vacation has begun.
FIND ME A DICK TO RIDE THAT HOPEFULLY IS ATTACHED TO A CUTE PERSON AND NICE PERSONALITY
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED. Is it okay if I only get 2 out of 3?
The D is nonnegotable.
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
Randomize
