God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
i went through the entire semester and only just now realized there's a girl in my history class that i've hooked up with.
i was that girl throwing up in the urinal. it was a dark moment in my life.
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
They just dared her to tape flip flops to her tits. Entertainment value cannot be found like this in any other part of America.
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
You have to get it done early. Like a dick drive by. Hit it and run.
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
He showed me his sex playlist and it looked good, so I slept with him.
nyquil+orgasm=very intense and oddly interesting
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
RESIST THE DICK
thats like telling me to resist drinking water. impossible.
I feel like he doesn't realize we're offering him a threeway with sisters and I don't understand how that's possible.
Maybe we should bring mom next time.
Randomize
