just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
there's no way I could forget finding someone else's hand in my pants
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
Some nights you just end up digging your mcdouble out of the trash and eating it. it happens.
Let's drink lean at the 5 seconds of summer concert. Give the teens a glimpse into their future as dysfunctional adults holding desperately onto their youth. You in?
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
He looked so uninterested when the stripper was slapping him. Now his roommates are harassing me about how crazy our sex must be.
you poured beer in your mouth so you could be a beer pong cup for her to drink out of/make out with
Did it work?
Randomize
