its mom's weekend..did we need to couger proof the apt?
after he fucked me and not his girlfriend, i told him to be a gentleman and close his eyes as i ran to the bathroom naked. so sweet.
your definition of "gentleman" is so absurd.
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
I hope you realize, I'm counting on you as my wingman next semester. It's your turn to advertise another man's penis. I did my tour all freshman year.
I imagine her to be like a 19th century explorer/adventurer with different boys' hearts on her wall like animal heads
Like Teddy Roosevelt
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
Talk about an dramatic entrance, girl rolled up on a stolen bike and was wearing heels and a dress, through it on the ground and said "you guys want a bike?" Of course i jumped on that shit, any sane person would!
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
Well you should have thought of that before you were reckless with your butt
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
Wow. I hope you were either doing that in your sleep or blacked out. You threw up then covered yourself in duct tape... i wish i got that on camera
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
is it sad that the highlight of my saturday night was waiting till 3 in the morning to hear about your saturday night?
Randomize
