I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
All I've succeeded in doing since I saw you is drool on my shoulder
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
I mean like if I stood up my head might pull me down like an anchor
When we tried to make a video I set the camera to 3sec pictures accidentally so instead of a movie we have a flipbook of our sex.
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
I'm a mess. I mean I almost got off but I'm a fucking rubics cube down there so il givenhim the point
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
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