My sheets look like a crime scene.
I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
It smells like someone died in our apartment and ya'll used some random orifice of his body to smoke weed out of. Side note, how did we get a guitar?
Sooo the theme of my 21st is rapidly becoming Gay Mexico
Dude you were tripping so badly we put a pretend box around your head and you spoke silently for the rest of the night. I think pterodactyls were involved.
I sent him an 18 page sext. He's going to have a good morning.
It's 4/20 of course I'm going to smoke in the portapotty and be ripped outta my mind at the lung cancer walk.
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
I was just tongue fucked into oblivion.
Had sex on your trumpet just an fyi.
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
Her hot older sister walked in on us, looked me up and down, then stared straight at her and said "I call sloppy seconds on this one" then left. I'm still debating on how I feel about that.
Randomize
