i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
I feel like a need a fire hose to wash off what I did last night
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
"lets watch the sunrise" turned into "lets have sex on the roof at six thirty in the morning"
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
If I drank a glass of water for every drink I had I'd die of water intoxication like some tweaked out looser at a rave
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
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