Fuck Jersey, the house im in is so baller but this state just cannot win.
I am so fucking pissed, there are no Shamwows in the As Seen on TV Store.
Looks like you'll have to stick to jizzing in socks.
if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
The sweet smell of jungle juice and bad decisions is calling our name.
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
she always winds up in the cupboards its nothing new.
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
I would come over if there was not the impending fear of me shitting out my brains.
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
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