i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
FUCK YOU CALIFORNIA. YOU DO NOTHING RIGHT. FIRST PROP 8 AND NOW THIS.
Well after last night it's official...I cannot die...it time to use this power for good instead of handle contests
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
If you wake up tomorrow and start to wonder.... Yes you did just eat mild sauce from taco bell out of the package while informatively yelling about the loss of my virginity
I swear some just paged for more cock rings over the intercom.
god. I was just thinkin about the fact that there was a time in our life when we didn't drink.
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
If I was home I'd be ouija boarding the fuck out of the house, haven't been this high since that day
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
I'll tell you that it involved a pair of pliers and a trip to the ER.
I demand a full explanation right now.
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
She said to call her, so I called her. Her boyfriend answered and traced the fucking call. I could litterally hear him yell because it turns out he lives in 4d
Don't you live in 4c?
Randomize
