I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
it makes me cry that so many people are going to see you naked someday.
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
About to see some guy and give him a glance that tries to express how sorry i am for blowing his friend while he was getting a BJ in the same room
You have to wear the princess leia gold bikini every Sunday
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
If you can't drink with the big boys, give up your beer and go back to the playpen
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
have fuck
*fun
actually forget it have a fuck too it'll do you good
Good thing he's hot and my vagina likes him or I'd be at Dennys right now.
Randomize
