He has that cheese in a can and he's eating it. I have never seen that outside a goofy movie.
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho.
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
Sorry I sent you a video of a singing reverend last night, I was really high.
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
Come cuddle! I'll be passed out somewhere in the library. It'll be like a scavenger hunt!
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
Randomize
