i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
I bet i've been more pregnant than you.
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
90 seconds of pumping and 2 months of bragging all summer. So much for my reputation here.
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
You said the best orgasm you ever had, you gave to yourself. your boyfriend looked really disappointed. so did half the room.
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
Randomize
