I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
his life revolves around getting high and answering people on yahoo answers. he's perfect for you.
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
Only thig bad about that muscular chick from the gym is she liked it so rough I had to bust out a few wrestling moves from highschool
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
He played with my nipples while singing "How great thou art"
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
She picked a quarter off the floor, kissed it "for luck" and won the $20,000 jackpot. She bought dinner and stayed sober to drive us home. This is a typical example of a visit with my sister.
Randomize
