i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
it only took 2 hours but we managed to melt the purity ring down with a butane torch
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
Put it this way, at one point I was getting stoned on the roof of the strip club with one of the strippers while another one gave me a free lap dance. That wasn't even the best part of the night.
mate, my mother watched me threw up out of my nose wearing only a g-string.
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
Seriously I am not buying you condoms anymore. You're 22, if you aren't woman enough to buy them yourself then you don't deserve orgasms. Grow some tits.
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
My hot gay tattoo artist grew a beard and I'm not taking it well.
You ever just SEE a guy and know he's good at choking someone out?
It's 3 am.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
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