my orientation roommate looks just like New York of Flavor Flav fame
Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
he told me he expects me to keep the fangs on when i go down on him. presumptuous, yes, but man after my own heart.
You going to have to be more specific than the night we blew an 8ball off the toilet..
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
I'm gonna do some tripping... In the direction of balls
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
Come to find out, there is a place where binge drinking and aggressive head butting is completely appropriate. In a mosh pit, Travis is just a regular dude!
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
Are there edibles for sale in the Denver airport because if so bring those to my mouth
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
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