hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
EVERYONE IS SPEAKING SPANISH. I ONLY KNOW HOLA.
I am so proud of him. After eating the rest of our shrooms, he finally registered to vote
he just sat there, in the doorway of my dorm room, chuggin a fifth like nobodys buisness.. don't know whether to fuck him or be afraid of his confidence
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
I REMEMBER NUGGETS BEING THERE BUT WE WERE AT A TACO BELL
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
You stumbled into the hotel room escorted by security and then went into the bathroom sat by the toilet, threw up for hours while slamming your head on the wall and whimpering "why" over and over.. I went to bed
Your boobs are like a folk legend.
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