She was drunk and kept trying to talk while I was in her mouth. It sounded like the teacher from a Charlie Brown cartoon!
WHY CAN'T YOU EVER SHIT LIKE A NORMAL PERSON, JESSE.
He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
there's nothing like the elf drinking game to get me in the christmas spirit.
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
We are going to get high as balls and watch netflix
THIS IS WHAT BEING AN ADULT LOOKS LIKE
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
Also, it was so cold in that bathroom that I saw my crap steaming, a first in my life
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
All I remember is receiving a lap dance to slow motion.
If anything I look like a soccor mom going out for her annual ladies night. Trying hard, but not quite in her twenty's anymore.
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